To the Editor:
Have you ever seen Stratford Mayor Tom Harkins and Osama Bin Laden in the same place at the same time? No, you haven’t. Just like you never see Superman and Clark Kent at the same time. I think that’s pretty clear evidence that our Mayor is actually Osama Bin Laden. Or Lois Lane. I need more funding to complete my research.
Oh, that can’t be true, local politicians will claim. The Stratford Town Council wants you to believe that Osama Bin Laden is dead. This same Town Council also wants you to believe that King Kong is dead, shot by airplanes and plummeting off the top of the Empire State Building back in the 1930s. And again in the late 70s. And once more in 2005.
Wake up and smell the coffee, people! Those were Hollywood movies, not real life. King Kong lives!
On the InterWebs there are people who claim that the horrific tragedy in Newtown was staged by the US government: That, in fact, it never happened at all, as reported by the media. Well, I’ve got news for them. The reality is that the entire of state of Connecticut does not exist! Can you prove it does?
It’s actually a mass hallucination created by a sinister group composed of Presbyterian bankers, the Ice Cube cartel, rogue members of the Illuminati and the Walt Disney Corporation. What people think is CT is actually all just Westchester County.
White Plains, NY and New Haven, CT are the same town! Why hasn’t anyone before me noticed this?
I’ve also been alarmed at the appearance throughout Stratford of red, octagonal signs with the mysterious letters S. T. O. and P. on them. Who’s responsible for this? What bizarre message are they trying to convey? Could it be the work of the New World Order? Why won’t anyone at the Town Department of Public Works answer these questions? What exactly are they hiding?
At the Stop & Shop on East Main Street they sell a product called “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!” Well, I don’t believe it’s not butter. And why should I? Because some marketing consultant working for the Butter Cartel wants me to? Sorry, Big Butter, but you’ll have to do better than that to convince me!
I could go on (and on) and reveal many more secrets and conspiracies that would undoubtedly break your mind if you read them. These are just the tip of the Stratfordian ice berg, if you will. I just wanted to see if the editors of the Star would publish anyone’s crazy letter, or if that right was reserved solely for George Mulligan.